Suicide Notes Beginnings Part 1

June 22, 2019

Many people have asked how this short came about. And that's a hard question to answer, not because I don't know but more because it is so personal. This film really started back when I was in grade & middle school. As many young girls know puberty can be brutal but I was also at the time spending many days and night either at the hospital or at home. So for me, although I was in school I was that much more awkward because I had no clue how people outside my reality related to one another. So anytime I spent in school, seemed foreign and as such I came off weird to those around me. And what do we do to those we find weird. Yep, we pick on them and make them feel like an outcast. Each day I was at school was hellish, I was constantly being picked on. Thank God for the few friends I had, who stuck up for me (Tiffany and Stephen). But this did little to fill the ever-increasing whole that was forming in me. Now I know this as depression. It was during these times when I began to think about what it would be like if I no longer existed. Over time this fascination grew and one day I took to much medicine. Nothing happened but for a while the reality of what I had tried to do scared me. And since I'd always been good at pretending, that's what I did pretend all was well. Then a few years later while I was being home-schooled everything began to close in on me and again the thought of no longer being a part of this world seem satisfying. So this time I was going to do this right, I pulled out the biggest knife and put it up against my wrist and just as I was about to cut the front door swung open. If was my nephew coming home from school and I thought Oh My GOD if I had done this, he would have found me. If I couldn't live for myself, I would at least not be so selfish to die and have him find me. This was the beginning of a shift in my thinking. I lived for others till I could live for myself and for years I stuff this thing I did down. I never said anything to anyone. But as the years past this thing would bubble up inside me and unfortunately, several people I know took their own lives. I was divested. But again I stuff the pain down. Then in 2016 when I was working we were working on post for the first 2IN48, someone reach out to me about how that project saved their life and then one person after the next called or messages me about wanting to end their lives and something struck in me this is why I had gone through all that pain.



Then I came across a post for film reviews of a short film and I thought I like to review things. I had the pleasure to watch and review the beautiful and point short film "A Short Introduction to: Love and Purpose. This film changed my life it is about a brother and sister who happen to be Asian who are both grappling with suicidal thoughts. While one is actively trying to commit suicide the other feels lost and is looking for help from the other. This film wowed me because it was everything I ever felt portrayed in a manner that didn't glorify nor vilify suicide. It was one of the realities of what suicide is. I knew then I had to find a way to tell my story and the story of those who had come to me over the years with theirs.


Part II Next week... The journey to the final script.



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